


gotta be down because i want it all (with you)

by larryink (blynrin)



Category: One Direction, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Pining Harry, Unrequited Love, cheesy stuff and words idk its so dumb this fic is so, dumb, harry cries, harry/nick is barely a thing they kinda just dance together, it reflects me i think, louis is with a bunch of people bc he repressed his feelings, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-01-23 18:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1575998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blynrin/pseuds/larryink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>harry is ten years and seven months old when he first sees louis. he stares in front of him, mouth agape, peering over the fence as the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen hops out of the moving truck. the boy lifts his arm in a full body wave and harry can do nothing but return it meekly. he ducks back behind the fence and presses against it, trying to get his breath back.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>-or the one where louis and harry grow up together down the street from each other, and harry falls in love-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from mr. brightside by the killers  
> i have no idea what i'm doing with my life  
> ***CURRENTLY REFORMATING/EDITING***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited this a bit , trying to reformat x

harry is ten years and seven months old when he first sees louis. he stares in front of him, mouth agape, peering over the fence as the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen hops out of the moving truck. his fingers grip the wood tight and his breath catches when said boy glances over at him. there isn't anything he can do as blue eyes catch his green ones and hold, the corners crinkling when a smile overcomes his expression. the boy lifts his arm in a full body wave and harry can do nothing but return it meekly. he ducks back behind the fence and presses against it, trying to get his breath back. 

—-

the next time he sees the boy is when he's walking to school a week later. he wishes he could say he had forgotten entirely about the encounter, but it's quite the opposite. bright blue eyes and caramel hair were the only thing on his mind ever since. he passes by the house just as the front door opens and a figure bounds out. harry tries to get his hair to hide his face, afraid to be recognized as the creepy kid who had stared at him over the fence, but when the boy spots the unruly curls he grins and nearly runs to harry’s side. “hi!” harry hears, and how could he resist a voice so pretty?

when harry looks up, all he can see is blue. a shy smile spreads across his features and the boy’s answering grin is blinding.

literally. harry is so awestruck he trips over a bag of dead leaves that spills all over the sidewalk. “oops,” he mumbles, cringing inwardly, guilt stirring in his gut; someone worked hard to rake all of that up, and he’s just carelessly kicked it all over the place. he crouches to start pulling as much as he can back into a pile, worried because he thinks the man who lives here knows his mum, and what if he tells her?

laughter beside him makes harry turn his head and he frowns. the boy is laughing at him? he freezes and stares up, confused, as the blue eyed boy finally stops guffawing. “wow. clumsy one, aren’t you curly?" he giggles. " _oops,_ that's so cute” he grins, eyes glinting.

harry’s frown deepens. “m'name’s harry, not curly.” he chooses to ignore the cute part, because he doesn't think he could get any more red.

“well, harry, your hair would say otherwise. it’s very curly, so that’s your new nickname. i’m louis, by the way. we’re gonna be late if you do that, y’know. c'mon, just leave it for someone else to pick up, okay?"

harry straightens up and can’t help a small smile. louis. not only does he have a name to call the boy, but louis had also taken to giving him a nickname. it felt like there were butterflies in his stomach, and he presses a hand to his abdomen to stop the fluttering.

“yeah, okay,” he mumbles, forgoing cleaning up his mistake to instead follow louis. a recurring theme, harry thinks.

louis talks the entire time. harry content to just listen, because he learns a lot about louis in this time.

he finds out that louis is two years older than him, (which harry figured because he doesn’t look ten), he learns that louis moved from doncaster after his parents’ divorce, that he has four younger sisters, and he likes football.

“do you like football, curly?” he asks, and harry looks up at him. they're nearly at the school now and will have to part, because louis has to go to the office for some last minute checking in, something harry isn’t exactly looking forward to because he won't see him for the entire day.

“yeah, i do. m'not very good at it, though,” he replies sincerely, because he isn’t. he thinks louis must be, though. he's happy enough talking about it, but who knows.

“awe, you can’t be that bad!”

“yeah, i can be. i’m too clumsy to play it.” harry has already proven that.

louis frowns, and harry's distracted by the way his lips pull down at the corners. “you should come over after school today and we’ll test that, yeah? because i’ve gotta go this way, so i’ll see you then, okay?” louis ruffles harry’s hair before grinning at him and sprinting away to the office building, harry left standing dumbstruck in the middle of the school’s sidewalk. 

—-

harry doesn’t see louis at all during the school day, not until the very end when he passes by a group of older kids and realizes louis is sat right in the middle of them, grinning ear to ear. he's talking loudly, voice animated and hands flapping wildly as he recounts a story. everyone is enraptured, unable to look away from the bright eyed boy. harry can’t either, until he trips over his own feet and promptly lands on his face in the middle of the walkway.

as he lets out a loud “oomph!” he realizes he can hear laughter. harry gets up quickly, face heated, and he knows louis’ new friends are laughing at him. he doesn’t want to think about whether or not the caramel haired boy is laughing either, until he hears a high pitched laugh join in and he knows.

his face burns hotter and he walks away as quickly as possible, not stopping until he feels a hand on his shoulder. “hey, curly, you okay?”

harry rips his arm away from louis’ hold and turns around, glaring at the boy in front of him. he's pouting, but who can blame him? he’d just embarrassed himself in front of this beautiful boy and then been mocked. “i’m fine. go ahead and laugh at me. ‘s not like you’re the first.”

louis looks at him like he’s grown two heads. harry wishes. he’d name the other marcel and everyone could laugh at him instead.

“harry, i wasn’t laughing at you, not really. it wasn't supposed to be making fun, c'mon i'm not that mean,” louis smiles at him. “i’d still like you to come over today, if you want. we can walk home together, right?”

harry narrows his green eyes, skeptical, before nodding. he couldn’t say no if he tried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _i forgot to mention before that there are a lot of timeskips. i've tried to mention how old harry is each time it happens... but yeah._
> 
>  
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> _also i'm from michigan, so my knowledge of the uk system is really limited... so i guess i used american stuff ? idk. unbeta'd, lemme know about mistakes ! :)_

“you’re extremely cute, y’know that, right?” louis says. “you’re over there singing to yourself and it’s just really adorable, mister ‘i’m thirteen with my curly hair and dimples and green eyes, and i’m gonna be a popstar when i’m older.’”

harry can’t help the giggle he lets loose, nor his face from heating up. “i just like singing. i think i wanna learn the piano. niall is already learning the guitar, we could start a band or something.” harry looks over at louis. “you could be in it too. i don’t have the faintest what you would do…” he grins then, crawling across louis’ bedroom floor and ditching his homework, instead opting to sit in louis’ lap. he doesn’t notice the way his eyes widen in surprise, or the hitch in the older boy's breath, instead continuing on with “you could probably write the songs, or sing. i’ve heard you, you’re actually quite good.”

louis is already shaking his head, though. “i’m really not. my voice is too high and all that.” and his voice seems to have gone up an octave there, harry notes. 

—-

“you like him, don’t you?” zayn asks him one day as the entire group sits in niall’s basement. louis is the only one who can't show up until later, got roped in to watch his sisters, so until he's done, harry is texting him constantly.

but now he looks up, confused as to who zayn is talking to, and who about. “wha?” his voice cracks from disuse so he coughs to clear it and repeats “what?”

“louis. you like him.” zayn says it as it now as a statement rather than a question and harry frowns. “'course i do. he’s my best friend. you guys like him too.”

“no, mate, he means you like him. y’know, the whole like-like thing, the crush, you wanna have his babies, that sort of thing?” niall speaks up, and harry can feel his face grow hot.

“i do not. i just miss him is all,” and why did that make them laugh so hard?

“you just saw him at school today, harry! you two are connected at the hip i swear.” liam chimes in and all harry can think is _traitor._

“okay, so what? maybe i like him. there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?” then his eyes widen and panic sets in. “you’re not gonna tell him, are you?”

zayn chuckles. “haz, if he hasn’t figured it out by now, he never will.”

harry tries to find comfort in that. 

—-

“harry! get up you lazy bum, you’re gonna be late for school!”

he groans, turning over in bed and ignoring his sister’s voice. why was she up so early anyway? usually she spent these days sleeping in, like he did, and going out with her friends.

“harry i swear to god if you’re not up i’m gonna rip your david hasselhoff poster apart.”

harry’s eyes fly open at the sudden closeness of gemma’s voice. she's standing in his room with her nails poised over david’s face.

“no! gemma i fucking swear- i’m up!” he scowls at her smug grin as she winks and skips from his room.

he groans again as his head falls back against his pillow and he closes his eyes. the poster had been a joke gift from louis on his sixteenth birthday, and it was probably his favorite by far. probably because it was from louis.

he rolls out of bed and scratches at his bare chest, yawning. it's still dark out, and who decided to make school start so early? it's criminal to make teenagers wake up so early when they slept in all summer beforehand.

when he was younger he used to pick his outfits out for the first day the night before, but now he just scans through his closet before choosing his pink floyd tee and a pair of black skinny jeans, slipping them on before trying to tame his wild mess of curls.

his phone buzzes on the nightstand and he picks it up with his toothbrush still in his mouth. 

**from: lewis(:**  
 _hey you almost ready?? im outside rn and my patience is running thin, curly! i might just end up leaving u and u’ll have to walk to school :)_

he snorts, spitting in the sink before typing out a reply. 

**to: lewis(:**  
 _yea like you’d ever leave me to fend for myself mr ‘no u have to do it this way no not that way omg do i need to hold ur hand’_

**from: lewis(:**  
 _only bc ur incompetent :)_

**from: lewis(:**  
 _hurry up i have something to show you !!!_

**to: lewis(:**  
 _you’re distracting me from getting ready u know_

he grins when there's nothing further, slipping on his shoes and making his way downstairs. gemma is nowhere in sight, and harry rolls his eyes. he’ll never understand girls. 

when he finally pulls open the door to louis’ car and slips inside, throwing his bag in the back, they’ve got fifteen minutes before the first bell. he turns to look at the older boy and jolts in his seat. “you cut your hair!” he yells, shocked.

louis laughs his full body laugh, starting up the car and throwing a grin over at his passenger. “yeah, i did. y’like it?” he asked, and anyone else wouldn’t detect the insecurity in his words, but harry does. he grins, nodding his head.

“it looks good. god, i don’t see you for two days and you get rid of your bowl cut?” he laughs when his arm is swatted, but touches louis’ hair anyways. “it looks really good, lou,” he says quieter this time, laughter gone. he retracts his fingers from louis' hair, folding then with the fingers of his other hand and keeping then in his lap. the car becomes silent, charged with a sort of tension they both pretend not to notice.

the rest of the drive is the same, harry keeping his hands to himself in the passenger seat and frowning out the window. he tries not to notice louis’s eyes on him, the glances he keeps being sent, but the burn from that gaze makes his face burn.

it’s not as if he hasn’t realized he has a crush on his best friend. that’s not the issue. the issue is that they’re both straight, or at least that’s what louis thinks, and why should harry tell him otherwise? he doesn’t think louis would mock him for liking boys, that’s not it.

he’s more afraid that lou will realize how hopelessly in love harry is with him, from the day he peeked over that fence and first saw louis smile, and the one thing he cares about most in his life will fall apart. 

—-

they go camping one summer, all five of them alone on their own. the lot of them bring one huge tent that splits three ways and they set it up far in the woods behind zayn’s house.

“you lads put up the tent, I’m on pinecone duty,” louis smirks, wandering around as the other boys struggle to set up the tent (liam repeating the instructions aren’t in english and harry insisting instructions aren’t needed).

harry rolls his eyes. “lou, pinecone duty doesn’t make sense. at least make yourself useful and gather some sticks or something for a fire.”

“curly!” louis gasps, hand flying to his heart, “how dare you say pinecone duty isn’t useful! i am offended and hurt. this is unacceptable.”

harry grins and tosses a pinecone at him, rolling his eyes. “i don’t like your tone, mister. get to work.”

“so bossy. i like it,” louis throws him a wink and wanders into the woods, presumably to get some kindling. 

later that night, harry and louis share their side of the tent. their thighs pressed together, laying on top of the sleeping bags (it's much too hot to sleep inside of them), harry wishes they could stay like this forever.

harry is just starting to drift off when a whispered “harry?” pulls him out of it.

“yeah, lou?” he responds, voice thick with sleep.

“you ever have a secret you wish you could tell someone, but can’t?”

harry is more awake now. louis’ tone of voice is strange, and harry’s heart speeds up. “what kind of secret?” he asks. does louis know?

“just something you wish you could say, but feel like you can’t. because it could change everything, y’know?”

harry is wide awake now, staring at the top of the tent, breath caught in his throat. “you ever have that, haz?” and damn, harry wishes he could read minds, wishes his own pounding heart wasn’t so loud.

“no, louis, i don’t know what you’re talking about. i- i think if there’s anything you’d ever need to tell me… you should say it,” and he wishes he doesn't feel like such a fucking hypocrite for saying that, giving false advice when he can’t even follow it, but “go to sleep, lou, it’s late,” and he turns over, putting his back to louis and faking sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on tumblr at hzier


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta'd as usual .... enjoy !

they're sitting on harry’s floor when louis grabs his arm and starts drawing, little doodles that makes harry roll his eyes. the touch of the pen tickles, causing harry to giggle. he retaliates by grabbing a pen and making his own marks on his friend's tan skin. 

\---

harry's first tattoo hurts. so does his second, and his third, but by now it’s a good hurt. it’s something he’s near addicted to, and the fact that he has to go home immediately after and wank is a bit odd, but it’s one of those things harry lets himself ignore. by the time harry gets ‘hi’ tattooed on his arm, he barely notices anything but the absolute rush he gets each time his skin is inked.

louis comes with him this time. paul asks him what font he'd like for this, and harry panics. he doesn't particularly think any that are in the tattoo artist's book fit the simplicity of it, and the man's handwriting is a lot more cursive-y than he'd like.

instead, he looks up at louis (they're still in that state where harry is shorter, and it's obvious he's gonna shoot up while louis stays small) (louis tends to ignore it).

"lou? can you write it out real quick?"

—-

harry starts taking piano lessons when he’s sixteen and a half, and though he’s not that good at it, he can play it well enough that it sounds decent with his voice. he’s started writing a song, not letting anyone read it, not even louis.

it’s too personal, too much of what he hasn’t said out loud put on paper, and when he sings it he does so quietly, the piano keys soft beneath his fingertips. only his instructor has heard it, and that’s only when he plays the chords for her, not mentioning the lyrics he’s written with it.

when he can't afford the lessons anymore, he continues writing, sings when he wants, and puts his songs in a brown journal he keeps with him everywhere.

he doesn’t trust prying eyes. 

—-

when harry sees the small “oops!” on louis’s bicep, his heart stops beating in his chest. they’re in harry’s room, propped up against the headboard watching a movie on his laptop when he glances over and sees it. “when’d you get that tattoo?” he asks, reaching over and running his finger across the marked skin. he thinks he imagines the shiver that seems to pass through louis when he touches it.

“uh.. i’m not sure. a few weeks ago? i’ve had it for a while, surprised you hadn’t noticed it.” louis shrugs, seeming to forget about it as he turns back to the movie. harry, however, can’t get it out of his head. 

—-

harry likes to think of himself as a nice person. he knows he’s not like a lot of other boys, for obvious reasons. when most boys his age were trying to get girls to like them, then date them, then sleep with them, he was trying to not think about louis. shirtless. naked. preferably not with water dripping down his tan chest, fringe pushed back from his forehead, his pupils blown wide, his plump bum (that harry definitely does not want to get two huge handfuls of), and his thick-

yeah, harry knows he isn’t exactly _normal._ but he knows he's nice, funny, and smart. louis calls him cheeky, has called him cute many times in the past (to which harry can't help but blush and argue against), and the older women he works with at the bakery comment on his sweet and charming personality at least once a day. 

however, harry discovers he's also jealous. he never would have thought himself to be the green little monster type, but when hannah enters their lives, envy takes residence upon his shoulder. 

—-

hannah is a constant in louis’ life these days. harry is still his best friend, they still hang out, still play video games together and carpool to school, but louis’s weekends are soon filled with hannah. harry feels like the third wheel every time the three of them hang out, so he stops going with them on their outings, instead spending time with the other boys.

when louis calls him on his way over to liam’s, harry answers with a low “hullo?”

“hazza! what are you doing right now?”

“uh… on my way to liam’s, you?”

“about to go out with hannah. i was actually wondering if you’d like to come along, too?”

harry grimaces, glad louis can’t see. he forces a chuckle instead. “no offense, louis, but i’d rather not be stuck on a date with you two. reminds me of my own lonely existence, remember?”

“awe, curly, you’re not lonely! you’ve got me and the lads, don't ya? and anyway, you won’t be stuck as the third wheel. hannah has a friend i’d like you to meet.” louis’s voice is bright, cheery, and harry frowns because he does not want to be stuck on a date with louis and hannah and have to pretend with some girl at the same time.

“I don’t know, lou…”

“c’mon, harry, please? for me?" louis asks, and how could he say no?

louis finds out he’s gay that day when harry ignores the girl in favor of letting some guy buy him a drink and chatting with him. when the guy, a slightly older man named nick, slips him his number and leans down to whisper a “see you later” in his ear, harry’s blush says it all.

“why didn’t you ever say anything?” louis asks, a hurt expression on his face. harry looks at him, confused for a moment before looking away as realization dawns on him. “what, did you think i wouldn’t be okay with you being… gay?” louis continues when harry doesn't say anything, anger seeping into his tone. “because i would have supported you, y’know. i’ll still support you.” harry snorts, which angers louis more. “i’m not- i’m not a monster, harry! i don’t care, okay? you’re still my best mate, i’ll love you no matter who you like to stick your dick into…” and with that harry is laughing so loud people look at him strangely. “…or, y’know, vice versa.” louis can’t stop the grinning either, and soon they're both laughing their asses off, hannah sitting awkwardly with her friend a few feet away, and harry realizes he's okay. louis doesn’t care about him being gay. louis doesn't know he's absolutely mad for him. they're okay. 

—-

the next time louis comes with harry to get a tattoo, he’s got a few of his own. harry’s getting a huge moth on his stomach, one of his largest tattoos yet. he’s been saving up for a while, thankful that babs pays him extra because he does all the hard work the older women can't do.

“hey hazza, think you wanna come over later? niall got the new FIFA game, i was hoping we could test it out, call the other lads around and beat their arses. what do you say?” louis doesn't notice harry’s hitch in breath as the needle touches his skin, the way his toes curl (not that he would notice that last part, they're covered by his shoes). louis is too busy frowning down at his forearm, a thoughtful look on his face.

his tattoo artist, paul, chuckles. he knows what harry does after leaving; has to, it's hard to hide the way his entire body thrums with each needle touch, and the awkward bulge in his pants that he can thankfully cover with his shirt at the moment. paul had assured him a few tattoos ago that it was a normal reaction to this, that he wasn’t the only one. harry was grateful, but right now he glares at the man, while louis frowns.

“what’s so funny?” he asks, confused. harry just shake his head, but he can’t help the small moan that escapes him, nor the blush that spreads over his cheeks and across his neck and torso after he tries (and fails) to cover the sound with a pathetic cough. they’ve been here about an hour now, and harry knows he’ll have to get the other half of the tattoo done some other time. not that he doesn’t enjoy it at the moment, the slow pleasure, a torture pain that's so numbingly good. he just doesn’t want to blow his load (in his pants, how embarrassing would that be?) while his best friend (that he was hopelessly in love with) sits right next to him.

“uh… maybe later,” he finally gets out, as paul begins finishing up the lineart of the moth’s wings.

louis frowns. "okay… why?”

“i just have to deal with some things first.” harry tries to pretend his voice doesn’t sound as breathless as it does, but he’d be lying if he said it doesn’t sound like he was an absolute wreck.

louis gets another odd expression on his face, his eyes lighting up strangely, but by then paul was finished and harry is trying to get out of there as quickly as possible without anyone noticing his massive hard on. louis doesn’t say anything else. 

harry gets home in record time, goes to his bathroom, and barely grabs his dick in hand before blue eyes, tan skin, and caramel hair have him shuddering and coming into his fist.

—-

“mum, I think I’m in love with louis.” he says one night. anne glances up, surprised, before smiling. “oh sweetie that’s wonderful,” she replies and stands up to hug her son and wait, what?

“wait, what. mum I just told you I’m gay and I’m in love with my best friend at the same time and it’s ‘wonderful’?” harry is confused but he hugs her back regardless. she pulls back to stare him in the eye.

“harry, I’m happy for you. I know a lot of people have a hard time coming out to their families, I’m just glad you decided to tell me so soon.” she smiles “even though I’ve known since before you, I think. a mother’s instinct and all that. I just wish you’d have spoken up sooner. does louis know?”

harry tries to absorb all this, decides there is no point in trying to figure his mother out, and shakes his head. “no… I, uh, haven’t told him. he doesn’t feel the same, though. he’s straight and all that, y’know.” he sighs, giving her a small smile. anne just stares at him in bemusement before shaking her head.

“I’m sure you two will work something out soon enough,” she says and harry doesn’t want to admit he doesn’t understand that, but then he’d be lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr as villainry or flourharry, or on twitter as villlainry ! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER short chapter because i needed to update this somehow and i haven't edited the second half of chapter four so i just split it in half sorry !!

the restaurant is originally where hannah and louis are supposed to go out on a date, but when she calls the day before to say she can’t make it, louis turns to harry and says he doesn’t want to eat alone ("reservations are extremely expensive, harold, i can't just cancel them _now_ ").

despite the sick feeling in his gut saying he shouldn’t accept being a rebound, he goes anyways. 17black is fancy, so harry wears his favorite shirt- a dark button up with white hearts like polka dots scattered around- and a black blazer over that. he breaks out his best skinny jeans because who is he kidding? it's the closest he and louis will ever get to an actual date. it's the first time he actually tries to tame his curls, standing in front of the mirror for twenty minutes pulling it back and using an entire can of hairspray. despite the awkward start (his mouth still tastes like the awful chemical), he’s pretty impressed with the end result.

when he meets louis out front, he can’t help the pleased feeling he gets when the man’s jaw drops and his eyes rake over harry. “you’d better close that before you choke on a fly or something,” harry says, and grins when louis snaps his mouth shut. his eyes rise to harry’s hair and just stares at it, long enough that the younger boy starts feeling self conscious about it. “what? why are you staring? does it look silly?” he raises his hand to pat it, but louis grips his wrist. “no… no, harry, i’m just surprised because i’ve never once seen your curls like that.” he laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners, and harry can’t help but smile back. it’s the smile louis saves just for him, never for anyone else, not even hannah. "i didn't even know it was possible, to be honest," louis continues. they end up standing around for another moment, just looking the other over. louis himself is dressed in a form-fitting purple dress shirt, tight pants, and dark blazer. harry can see the edges of his braces, dark like his pants, and harry wants to slips his fingers between them and louis' chest, pull the boy toward him. he wants to use them as leverage to bring louis close to him so he could lean down and kiss him. he wants to-

“let’s go sit down, yeah?” louis asks, placing a hand on the small of harry’s back, and his brain short circuits. it feels like his back is on fire. harry’s almost certain that if he lifted his shirt, there’d be a louis-sized handprint seared into his skin. the contact makes him unbearably happy.

it's the best night of his life. 

louis breaks up with hannah three days later, claiming they were growing apart. harry’s never felt lighter. 

—-

by the time harry’s twentieth birthday rolls around, he’s got two birds (resembling him and louis, but who would ever know? aside from the obvious; birds don’t even have eyebrows) across his collarbones, and he’s no longer the awkward, gangly boy he was for so many years. his giraffe legs, while still long and thin, aren’t awkward anymore. he still walks like a deer on ice, not quite fitting into his body, but he has more _control_ over himself now. he's grown up, and he knows it.

harry usually wears his hair back from his face in a headscarf, since he figures the curly fringe is more boyish than "manly," and he doesn't want to appear younger than he is when louis grew up to be this extremely sexy... man. 

harry also has many, many tattoos, and louis does too. 

‘17black’ inked on his collarbone, matches the large deer on louis’s arm. it’s doesn't mean the same thing to lou, of course, that it means to harry. to harry, the night they spent at the restaurant marks an end to his suffering through louis’ relationship with hannah, and a step forward in their own. 

obviously it is different for louis, because he starts dating eleanor a few months later. 

it’s almost bittersweet, the memory, he thinks. the not-date was one of the best nights of his life, but it was a taste of something he’ll never get. he’s been pining over his best friend for ten years today, and he’s in the same position he’s been in the entire time. tonight, though, marks a new decade.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER BESIDES THE EPILOGUE SORRY I JUST WANT TO GET THIS OUT HERE I HAVE HALF THE EPILOGUE TO WRITE :) 
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading and giving kudos they're great, sorry i stink at writing i can't help it xx

his birthday goes well the entire day. he spends time with his mum and gemma, receiving dumb gifts he smiles fondly at.

later, everyone meets up at the club, liam and zayn ( _together_ , as they'd started dating earlier that year), niall and his girlfriend barbara (a _model_ ), perrie and the girls, louis and eleanor, and harry. he invited nick along, as well, because in the time they've known each other, they've become quite close.

when nick meets louis and louis meets nick, they both straighten up a bit and have some sort of stare-down and harry is weirded out because he has no idea what’s going on. louis is so short, his expertly styled quiff giving him a few inches, but nick is extremely tall so harry’s just confused because it’s obvious who is the tallest. when harry leans against the bar next to eleanor, she gives him a sharp “happy birthday” and he smiles sarcastically at her before realizing it’s rude and apologizes before thanking her for coming. 

when he feels an arm encircling his waist, his body locks up for a fraction of a second before he’s turning to smile at nick. “hey,” he mumbles in harry’s ear, and harry smiles in response.

halfway through the night, he’s pleasantly buzzed, everyone buying his drinks for him rather than him having to pay himself, so when he notices eleanor and louis standing stiffly by each other, obviously in some sort of hushed argument, he can’t help but feel smug. and that is something that makes guilt unravel in his stomach, an unpleasant feeling.

his arms wrap around nick’s neck and he grins up at the man. “let’s go dance?” he asks, grateful when nick nods and leads them out onto the floor. harry immediately turns and presses his back against nick’s front, letting the older man grip his hips as they dance.

for a while he just lets the music take control, doesn't think about his birthday or louis or anything but the way his and nick’s bodies move together.

he rests his head back against nick’s shoulder and the older man takes the opportunity to suck at the skin of his neck.

the way they’re angled, louis has a perfect view of harry, and if harry weren’t leaning more on the drunk side than the sober, he’d realize how he looks. but it’s his birthday, his friends are all dancing with someone, and louis is- alone at the bar?

harry lifts his head in confusion from nick’s shoulder, awkwardly because the man’s lips are still connected to his jaw, but when his green eyes meet louis' blue gaze, he can’t do anything but stare. except then louis' turning away in disgust and anger and downing a shot of some clear liquid and harry is confused because he thought louis was okay with him being gay and what even happened to eleanor?

harry can’t find it in himself to care at the moment because louis is angry at him and so the irrational, drunk part of harry decides he’ll be angry right back. 

—-

it's later in the night when harry finally disconnects himself from nick’s body with an “i’ll be right back,” and makes his way back to the bar. he hasn’t seen louis in about an hour and a half and it’s not like he's looking for him anyways, except for the part where he is.

“hey, zayn!” he shouts over the music, approaching the dark haired boy and smiling at liam. “have you two seen lou at all? eleanor’s been missing all night and i wanna make sure he’s okay.”

zayn and liam exchang a look that makes his stomach churn. “what?” he asks, and when they don’t answer he desperately repeats it.

“listen, harry, louis is… unpredictable, y’know?” liam says and harry snorts because if anyone knows that, it's him.

“yeah, but where is he? what’s going on?”

liam sighs. “i saw him a little while ago that way,” zayn answers, pointing toward a hallway that branches out from the main part of the club and leads to the restrooms. he nods, thanking them, and doesn’t notice the worried looks they shoot at his back.

when he finally finds his way through the crowd and into the hallway, he ignores the couple making out against a wall. or at least he does for about two seconds before recognizing the dark top and braces and caramel hair. louis’s body is pressed up against the other person, and harry wouldn’t do anything if not for louis’ partner being very male and not eleanor at all.

he stands for what feels like forever, feeling like he is going to throw up, as louis presses a thigh between the guy’s legs and angrily attaches his lips to his neck. the guy’s eyes flutter open and when he sees harry standing there, with his mouth open and fists clenched, he pushes louis' face away.

“can we help you?” and god the guy sounds so wrecked, so fucked just from making out with louis, and that isn’t fair is it? louis turns around in annoyance, hair mussed and eyes blown, but when he spots harry he freezes, and they stand there staring at each other for what feels like ages.

“harry…” louis’ voice is deep with arousal, and harry can't take one more second of this.

“sorry, my bad” he mumbles before turning on his heel and plunging back into the crowd. he ignores louis’s voice behind him and just tries to get out of there as soon as possible. his head is spinning, and he really does not want to see anyone he knows, too humiliated and hurt to deal with people.

—-

harry tries to blame the shitty feeling on a hangover, but the truth is he's emotionally strung out. he’d gotten home and thrown up in his sink before stripping down and climbing into his bed, crying for an hour before passing out. happy birthday, indeed. 

he wakes up the next morning and stumbles out of bed to throw up again, this time brushing his teeth and hopping in the shower before climbing back into bed. he turns his phone off and tries to get some rest through his crying.

it's hard to do, of course, when someone starts pounding on his front door like the world is ending.

harry groans, grabbing his pillow and stuffing his face under it, hoping whoever it was would just go away so he could sleep and cry in peace.

the universe hates him, however, because most of his friends knew where he keeps the spare key to his flat. “I’m not interested in whatever you’re selling,” he tells the figure that opens his door, voice muffled by the pillow.

“not even an explanation? it’s free.”

harry's heart and head start pounding at his voice and he groans. _what the hell._ “get out, louis.”

“oh come on, harry. just listen to me for a second?” harry lifts his head a bit and looks at louis. his voice is so broken and his eyes empty and the bags beneath his eyes a deep purple, like he hadn't slept a wink last night.

harry hopes he hadn't. harry also loves him so much he wants to die.

so he scoots over on the bed, and louis slides on next to him, both the boys ignoring the fact that harry is naked beneath the sheets.

louis’ explanation doesn’t come immediately and harry is starting to feel like he should get a refund on it before louis sucks in a breath and lets it all out.

“harry I’m sorry,” he begins, breathless, and his voice is so sincere harry is tempted to hug him. “I wanted to tell you but I was really confused for a long time. there were times when I thought I liked boys, y'know? and I guess I've always been a bit flamboyant, but I've always liked girls. I've only ever been interested in one boy before, but that messed me up so much because why didn't I like other boys, not just this one?

"I thought after hannah I’d come out to you but then I realized I wasn’t even gay, y’know? it was just… I thought if I dated eleanor everything would be straightened out, no pun intended, but she left me last night. and I was so relieved because I was going to tell you how I feel... then I saw you dancing with nick.”

louis laughs, runs a hand through his tousled hair. “god harry I was so jealous I thought I was gonna throw up, or y’know, strangle grimshaw. I just- fuck, his hands were all over you and his mouth-” louis reaches out to run the tips of his fingers over the bruises on harry’s neck.

harry’s entire body's so wound up tight, like if he moves just the slightest bit he’d break, and so he barely flinches when louis touched his skin. “I really like you, curly, and I don’t know if you feel the same, but-“

harry finally snaps.

"what do you mean, you don’t know if I feel the same?” he bites out, shocked. “what does that even mean? how could you not-“

his mind spins, and suddenly he's _angry._ harry scowls and shoves louis so hard he falls off the bed. “you’ve been stringing me along this entire time! first with hannah, then eleanor, and you have the nerve to be jealous of me and _NICK? NICK GRIMSHAW?_ do you even know how _insignificant_ he is compared to you? and you were _jealous_ of _him?_ when I would have-” he stops, shakes his head.

louis reaches out to touch his arm and harry jerks away with a frantic “don’t touch me!” louis pulls his arm back like it’d been burnt. harry wishes it had been. 

“louis, I’ve been in love with you since I was ten years old.”

louis stares at him from the floor, mouth slightly agape. “what?”

“louis oh my god! I used to think it was good you were so thick but it’s quite the opposite isn’t it?” harry laughs. “you have no idea, do you?” his voice goes soft.

“harry, I didn’t even realize…”

“well, you do now.” harry says because he’s been holding it in for ten years and it’s like a weight has been lifted from his chest and he’s not even angry anymore.

composed as he is, harry promptly bursts into tears.


	6. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo unhappy with this ending but it needed something desperately... it's super cheesy but it's here !! yay sorry it took forever, uhm. super unbeta'd but yeah. this fic is done... i'm done with this fic adios byeee

harry is twenty years and one day old when louis kisses him for the first time.

his head is cradled between louis' small hands, the larger boy pulled into his lap as he cries.

"hazza," louis speaks, "I'm so sorry. I love you too, I have for so long, I didn't think you'd ever want me."

harry lifts his head, wiping his cheeks with his wrists and frowning at the older man "what? how could I not want you?"

louis smiles sadly at him and wipes the snot from harry's nose with his shirt sleeve. "I've never thought myself worth it, y'know? for years I thought you'd get married to some girl and leave me behind, and that didn't change when you came out. I just figured you'd find some guy who deserved you a lot more and spend your life with him, someone who loved you unconditionally and wasn't confused about his sexuality, like I was. I thought you'd move on with your life and leave me behind."

harry gapes at him. "w-what? louis, you've been my best friend for years. I've been in love with you since I first looked over that fence. you've always been faster than me. you've been ahead of me for years. i thought i'd never catch up with you and _you_ would leave _me_ behind." harry sniffles and awkwardly wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "you're fireworks and sunshine, louis. i'm just the moon reflecting your light. you're the-"

he's interrupted by louis' lips against his. "you're being dramatic," louis whispers, before closing the gap. 

the kiss is soft, simple, a press of mouth to mouth. the second and third are very much the same, harry’s lips salty, tears still staining his skin.

the fourth kiss is like a punch, harry pouring forth everything he’s felt for the past decade, and louis showing harry how much he does care. it’s mostly teeth and dry lips and tongues and when they pull apart they’re both breathing heavier than before.

"harry, you are so much more than the moon." louis says against his lips, mouth curled up in a smirk. he's still cradling harry's head between his hands, but this time he matches harry's words with his own.

"you're summer days," he presses into his cheeks.

"you're starshine," he promises against his eyelids.

"you're my harry."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr at hzier


End file.
